out with the old..

And in with the new!

So much has changed this year that it only felt right to give the blog a bit of a revamp. :) Life is unusual, life is painful but it never stops growing. Over the past 6 months I've given up on some old 'friends' and embraced the love of some new ones. Second year at university is splendid, and I have to give some credit of that towards the pesky Costa Coffee cart, it replaced my beloved 70p coffee machine, however after cursing the evils of capitalism, consumerism and Costa, I eventually have given into my caffeine addiction and my frequenting to over-charged cappuccinos, lattes, and mochas puts a smile on my face almost every Costa day!

Right enough of that though, it does not say much for my life when I spend a paragraph swooning over coffee... However it says even more that following the writing of that sentence, I continued to gaze out of my window thinking; 'well... now I don't know what else to say.' And so with this I shall have to depart... ^_^ I'm sure you are excited by my life now, and so til the next time...

Ciao xx

Don't tell me I haven't been good to you
don't tell me I have never been there for you
don't tell me why
nothing is good enough.

Social Stigma & Lung Cancer

Whilst procrastinating, I felt the urge to start this blog, after (whilst also, maybe, procrastinating a litte on Facebook...) reading my daily posts on various lung cancer pages I 'like'. (If you are without Facebook then I apologise for how little sense that may have made.)

It's becoming a tad disgraceful that cancer funding, treatment, and overall positive awareness is high for the major cancers, breast cancer is becoming more and more curable as years go by it seems, however, why is this not the case for lung cancer? Upon researching, you find that statistics for this - the number 1 cancer kill might I add - are hardly improving at all, it is the LEAST funded type of cancer, how can this be?

So this is where I would like to throw my questions in, is this dreadful lack of positive reinforcement, this lack of awareness, this lack of funding and hope due to the stigma attached to lung cancer. Most lung cancers are provoked by smoking, this is true, however there is a lot of people that have never smoked that are becoming victimised as well. Do we automatically put blame on lung cancer sufferers, it must be because they smoked, and if they didn't, well they must've been up to something to cause the cells in their lungs to mutate..? It is utterly unbelievable to think that we consciously would say this, but so much concentration is put into just warning smokers that lung cancer has become some dirty, smoker's disease, when this isn't the case at all.

This is just the start, I wanted to get some initial ranting down before I get round to writing a more substantial and well-informed piece. Opinions welcome, but please do not assume this is a blog to bash somebody, lung cancer is in my family, and my only issue is with the lack of awareness and funding towards what is the most dangerous cancer.

there is nothing new about this tale
kissing away this tearful trail
that slides down my face
searching for some solace.

i'm never cheap, i'll grieve alone
my blood is hot, i won't turn to stone
i'll love like i was taught
and never forget the demons that sliced
through this facade and wanted to be fought

diamonds will shine where tears now reside
biting back with all the utmost pride
i'll live and i'll love you
no matter what hell i'm put through.

I thought things got easier with time?

Kill the lover.

You can't take this blame,
it shivers off you just the same...
as the wine down your spine,
the same intoxication that made you mine.

The kiss that ran down my neck,
clutched my throat piercing this flesh,
the vapour that circled this mesh,
our bodies hot and glued together,
whisperings in the heat of loving forever.

The pain and the pleasure,
wrapped us in some sort of secret forbidden treasure,
deep inside with promises you could never hold,
one hand around my mouth, suffocating me, watching me turn cold.

Did you mean to kill the lover?
Love that was always under cover,
did you mean to kill your lover?

Kissing with eyes open was always rare,
making love with absolute care,
this was never a murder scene,
almost definitely something more serene.

However you penetrated what you could,
maybe more than what you possibly should,
you abandoned what you knew true,
how could one possibly still love you?

When you feel your heart grow poor,
and you feel your head smashing into the floor,
with alcohol surrounding your being,
I hope in some way; it's freeing.

meant to be alone

there it was on this wall,
all the signs about your willingness to fall,
that some people are born to be alone,
to have their hearts turn to stone.

though i tried to alter your furnace
with nothing but earnest,
you dug into me like the splinter,
ran cold like the ice in the winter
when we first fell in love.

i shouldve noticed the decadence,
shoud've embraced any sense,
too good to be true,
love stories don't end with a man like you.

so now burnt twice, and paying this awful price,
'i wrote this for you' would be a lie,
as endless days of seeing into your eye
could only die,
i now realise the heartbroken truth of the matter,
that for too long this love i could only flatter,
but it's too late for me, maybe too late even for you;
some people are meant to be alone
darling, that's why you packed your songs and flew,
but don't worry, i will give you this; i still miss you

churning out rubbish at 5am..

isn't it ironic,
the snow that we drunk like a tonic
wore off to leave a shell of a man
cold as ice, and leaves as fast as he can

my blood runs hot whilst yours is numb
seeing whatever girl you can next get under your thumb
you fool me once, you fool me twice
and i'll be the fool that gets fooled thrice

'i love you' isn't enough for your poor soul
covered in ice, and dark as coal
i hope you find the solace you seek
in your much desired depression streak

throw away the things you want
drinking heavily, it'll taunt
you made me yours a long time ago
and young man, i'll be that forever so.

How to cope when the person you loves, becomes a person you don't recognise...

"There's a fine line between love and hate..." or so we've been told, however to anyone who has loved, lost, and everything inbetween, this phrase is undeniably true. The person we love most, we become more vulnerable around, and with this we are so easily hurt by them, especially when they are doing it purposely for this affect.

It's hard to know what to do when this person we adore slips into a personality that we fear, hate and despise. This is a blog intended to help the people that find themselves continously caught in a battle of their heart, when their loved one unleashes a monster trapped deep within and we become the victims of their horror.

I have no education on this matter, I won't lie, however I'm a 23 year old girl that feels trapped with too much life experience on the harsher things in life. I've battled my own mental illnesses including anorexia nervosa, depression and chronic emetophobia. Put me under spotlight to a medical professional, and I will probably show up borderline, my life has been spent as self-diagnosis as to why I did the things I did, why I reacted certain ways, refusal of medical prescriptions, and walking away from therapy. I found out reasons for my problems, I do not know cures but I know relief. Tagged onto this is years of social withdrawl, experimentation with self-medication, hurtful and hard relationships, losing a father to the horrific curse of lung cancer, and now currently watching my eldest brother start the same fight. Sure none of this gives me any creditation to sit and analyse behaviours of others, and to make my own diagnonsense. However, I can only try to help.

Firstly, there are so many of us in a relationship with a person that one minute loves us, and the next is horrifying us with their actions. So many people will utter similiar words to us along the lines of: "Just get rid!" But we don't, we'll be accused of giving our power to the person we love/hate by letting them make the decision to walk instead, nobody can quite grasp that it's never simple. More than anything we know somewhere in these people is a character that loves us, it's just how much they do, and how willing we are to put up with the bad. But above all it's down to how much they seek help for the problems that are causing their self-destructive cycle. Nobody can force it, especially not us, for some reason, we the people that love them most, are usually the ones that become resented and hated.

Coping with this is hard, and depends on the situation, living with the person is a different story, for those that are not, first it's important to carry on living, love your friends for they will support you, love your family no matter how many times they curse your decision to not just walk away. People that love us are in a similiar boat, they are watching someone they love be treated in ways that most of us will not deserve, this is just as hard for them as it is for us to watch our loved ones turn into different people under the influence of substance abuse, alcoholism, or mental illnesses. Do not get angry, and do not push away those that are there for us, try to make them understand.

Secondly, know when to leave, your stomach, your heart, and your brain will all inform of you this time. If physical abuse becomes a part; LEAVE. If the verbal abuse is to a point that is damaging; LEAVE. And most importantly, if the person you love will not acknowledge what they are doing, and will not see they have a problem no matter what; LEAVE.

Thirdly, accept their actions are not them, we fell in love with a person we thought we knew, you will know deep down how real that person was. If you know in your heart that the 'monster' is a subconscious manifestation of their problems then this will help. Separating the person you love from the one you hate doesn't excuse them for their behaviour, however it keeps us from taking horrible comments and actions personally; this is the only way you'll keep it together. To love someone with an unstable personality takes strength, if you're weak yourself, you will fall apart. The majority of the time the one we love will not be a stable person if they suffer from problems that cause substance abuse and alcoholism, it's important to keep stability with them even when the 'monster' is out. Do not keep the drama going, keep a foot firmly on the ground, don't threaten to take your love away, but reassure you will always give as much as you can. If you need to leave your partner, do it calmly, explain, but don't walk out in a blaze of anger and tears, leave knowing you've done everything you can, shown all the love you have, but if a person isn't willing then there is no changing this. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. You did not fail, this love had never stood a chance whilst the person cannot fight for him/herself.

Fourthly, look to see where the real problem lies. We spend so long crying over our love that we never truly see if part of this problem is within us. Are you a stable person yourself? Are you attracted to relationships you know will not work out? Do you get some form of pleasure from feeling like you've been put upon?

Don't pretend the problem is all theirs if it is not. The issues that cause them to turn to drugs, alcohol and various other debilitating things IS their problem, but if this is what has attracted you to the person, then that is YOUR problem. To help a person, and to cope, you need to love them for who they are; including their monster. You cannot survive by being addicted to the idea of changing or 'saving' them. If this is what drives you to be with the person; LEAVE. For both of your sakes.

It's a hard battle for everyone involved, and sometimes we; those that love the person unconditionally, don't get a choice or a voice in the matter. The person will walk from us, likely not even realising or showing remorse for their actions. If this happens, it is heartbreaking. We can see something we knew could be real and amazing blow away in a wind along with harsh words, and often no goodbyes. Remember; we loved them. The never-ending supply of love and help we were willing to give speaks volumes for our character, and gives us the knowledge of what we're capable of, to know of the pure love we can offer is only a good thing, it doesn't matter how that was returned to us, because one day this ability for everlasting love and care will pay off with a true soul mate. And there's never a certainity it won't be with the person we loved in the first place. As long as you feel hope, keep it close. Maybe it's the consequence of too many Disney films as a child but; trust in your heart, your gut, and your brain. Together the correct decisions and the strength to activate them will certainly help keep you strong when you need to be.

Loving an alcoholic...

If you type this simple sentence into Google, you will get a million and one different stories, primarily from women, about being in love with a person that needs more help than one can offer.

It's such a shame, countless lives ruined by such a substance, and what's the appeal? A few hours in the personality of someone else, someone that loved ones will grow to despise as they shout cruel, and horrid things at us; the people that love them more than anything.

There's so much on offer to help people that battle addiction, but where's the help centre for our addiction? Our addiction to a person that wants us to tolerate their habits on a good day, and drive us into the ground on a bad one? We are simply made to make a decision: put up and shut up, or walk away. It's never that easy, we are cursed with a soul desperately in love with a person that may never be able to fully love, trust, and commit back to us. So what do we do? What hope do we have of recovering from our addictions? Do we live in hope? Or are we secret masochists that get off on the absolute pain and hurt that we get thrown into our faces?

To be continued..

What does a person do to deserve pain and hurt and torment?
What does a person do to deserve it a second time around?
So many questions that'll never get answered. All I know is, everything I thought was real is apparently not, and not only have I been heart-broken once, I've been heart-broken twice. Never a third. NEVER.

For me

This is something mainly for myself, a ramble of me, so there's your warning.

I no longer know how I feel about anything, I want to run away but I have no where to go, and I'm sure I would only end up feeling the same; lost, upset, alone, falling...

do I exist? Hello? Am I here at all?? Is there any love felt at all? Is there any hope for the world?

Ever had one of those moments? One of those how am i alive?? moments? I'm having one at this very moment, have been for a few hours, and will continue to do so for the foreseeable future.

I'm not sure where this is going, just needed a ramble, in the past 10 years (and I'm only almost 23) I'm sure I got dealt a bad deal somewhere... I'm positive of it. I'm lost. :/

That's it for now.

Real women..

'Real' women. This is a phrase that seems to get thrown around a lot these days, usually accompanied by 'have curves.' Now just a warning, this is a rant, and one that will probably upset people, but as a girl that borders on the 'fairly small' side of life, I am finding myself increasingly disenfranchised with this whole 'real women' malarky. Not to mention incredibly annoyed, and insulted that due to my small proportions I am 'less woman' than others.
Of course in our capitalist world, companies have run wild with this, size 0 sells, whilst they then spread the message that 'real women have curves' when it's necessary; anything to sell to anyone.
And if it's not the world markets using this utter nonsense, it's other women, a legion of overweight ladies justifying their unhealthy lifestyle by claiming 'at least i'm a real woman.'
Yes, whilst it's true that curves are psychologically speaking, more attractive to men due to the subconscious link between bigger hips and fertility, curves are the natural way the female body is, it's how it's sculptured. The smallest of girls will have curves, how big they are depends on the natural size of the girls pelvis. A bit of fat on the hips and bum will ultimately help the illusion, but it's time that these 'real' women realise the 'curves' that they are so proud of is nothing more but unhealthy fat shrouding their real curvature. If you can't find your hips from your stomach then you are not a 'real curvy woman.'

It's a subject of great annoyance, it's okay for the global community to sexualise women and only use a certain body type, but it's not okay for the women that are actually this size to acknowledge that they look good. Now obviously I'm not speaking between the extremes of bordering on anorexia and bulimia because that's an entirely different topic, this is just between the small healthy sized girl, and those that are bordering on overweight. These 'real women' have run riot, moving the message that a healthy weight is most desired to almost saying; it's better to be larger, it's perfectly fine to be an unhealthy weight, you are 'real.'
There are no 'real women are a healthy weight for their size' phrases, no 'real women don't need a fat bum and big breasts' phrases, and as much trouble as this will cause, the reason simply comes to; jealousy. We girls that are healthy and slim know our bodies are fine, we don't have issues with them, we don't need to justify ourselves by claiming to be more real than bigger girls. These women that spend their life broadcasting 'REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES' need to take a lesson in self-esteem, need to realise it's an excuse to be unhealthy, yes it is perfectly normal and attractive to carry an extra bit of weight on certain areas, but if you're bordering overweight, or obese, that's NOT okay. Please don't fool yourselves into thinking you are anymore real than us; the tiny girls, and don't insult us, it's not okay to refer to larger women as 'fat' in the general media, but yet it is okay for them to bash the naturally petite girls. To insinuate we're not as real nor attractive. Women need to realise everybody is a different size, men are all different; stop using them as the lead object in your life, life isn't about turning them on, you can call yourselves 'real' but at the end of the day it still comes down to each individual man's personal preference. And guess what? Healthy will win at least 90% of the time, no matter how how much you drill into society you're real and the girls whose natural curves are clearly visable; are not.
Rant out.

I'll turn this into an actual piece at some point but for now I just needed to rant it out. Don't take up a problem with this, afterall; I'm not quite 5"3, a UK size 6/8 with A cup breasts, so blatantly; I'm not real.

Few poems

Hello!
Not so much has been happening in this little corner of my world...well that's a lie...but alas nothing bloggable has been happening :) Had the usual Christmas and New Year festivities, hope everyone had a good one and all that.
Anyways, lately there has been a lot on my mind, so much that I haven't been able to contemplate writing it down, mainly because I don't know what it is, so in typical fashion when something creeps into my head and I can't deal with it; poetry and songs sprout forth, so hereby I give you nothing but this small paragraph and a few little doda's I've written in past few weeks.

State of the world

Shaking, shaking,
better catch her soon before her veins start,
breaking, breaking,
her blood will soak you, sick you; exploding heart
that's doing everything to stop from
aching, aching,
don't think anyone can really wipe this floor,
without needing to know more.

Watching these bones crackling and shattering,
did you really think desensitisation,
would bring forth the kind of elation,
that you're needing from knowing he's never leaving?

Pardon pardon pardon pardon

"Please can you slow down and make some sense,
please can you show what you mean and speak in the
present tense?"

Sorry baby you cant follow,
speak in tongues and maybe swallow,
that's the language that you seem to need,
and that's the guide book all seem to read,
I love you is measured on a fake certainty,
that he's not going to bed alone...

(but that she wont care when he has flown.)

4am

Table for one? I'm not sure where my second half
has gone,
scamper scamper, roll my eyes into the back of my head,
forgotten I'd left you so beautiful, on my bed.
Did I kiss you out of time?
Did I think we'd ever fall back into this silly little rhyme?
Crooked eyes you were pressed against my thighs..
Are you; you? I'm just sat, not sure what to do,
if I kiss you across your face,
like once upon a time in knickers made of lace,
maybe I'd know if you're me secretly,
cos that'd be the only way to explain it really.
This wine trickling down, oh so dreary,
maybe if I kiss you dearly,
maybe then I'll know.

Am I scared to fall back?
To follow this track...?
I want to dissolve my eyes so maybe you can't see,
the truth that cannot do anything but escape from me.
Don't mind me sugar as I drink your cares away,
if you want, you can save me before the night falls into day.
Not sure how, but I'm sure there's a chance,
why else would I terrified for you to catch my glance?