"There's a fine line between love and hate..." or so we've been told, however to anyone who has loved, lost, and everything inbetween, this phrase is undeniably true. The person we love most, we become more vulnerable around, and with this we are so easily hurt by them, especially when they are doing it purposely for this affect.
It's hard to know what to do when this person we adore slips into a personality that we fear, hate and despise. This is a blog intended to help the people that find themselves continously caught in a battle of their heart, when their loved one unleashes a monster trapped deep within and we become the victims of their horror.
I have no education on this matter, I won't lie, however I'm a 23 year old girl that feels trapped with too much life experience on the harsher things in life. I've battled my own mental illnesses including anorexia nervosa, depression and chronic emetophobia. Put me under spotlight to a medical professional, and I will probably show up borderline, my life has been spent as self-diagnosis as to why I did the things I did, why I reacted certain ways, refusal of medical prescriptions, and walking away from therapy. I found out reasons for my problems, I do not know cures but I know relief. Tagged onto this is years of social withdrawl, experimentation with self-medication, hurtful and hard relationships, losing a father to the horrific curse of lung cancer, and now currently watching my eldest brother start the same fight. Sure none of this gives me any creditation to sit and analyse behaviours of others, and to make my own diagnonsense. However, I can only try to help.
Firstly, there are so many of us in a relationship with a person that one minute loves us, and the next is horrifying us with their actions. So many people will utter similiar words to us along the lines of: "Just get rid!" But we don't, we'll be accused of giving our power to the person we love/hate by letting them make the decision to walk instead, nobody can quite grasp that it's never simple. More than anything we know somewhere in these people is a character that loves us, it's just how much they do, and how willing we are to put up with the bad. But above all it's down to how much they seek help for the problems that are causing their self-destructive cycle. Nobody can force it, especially not us, for some reason, we the people that love them most, are usually the ones that become resented and hated.
Coping with this is hard, and depends on the situation, living with the person is a different story, for those that are not, first it's important to carry on living, love your friends for they will support you, love your family no matter how many times they curse your decision to not just walk away. People that love us are in a similiar boat, they are watching someone they love be treated in ways that most of us will not deserve, this is just as hard for them as it is for us to watch our loved ones turn into different people under the influence of substance abuse, alcoholism, or mental illnesses. Do not get angry, and do not push away those that are there for us, try to make them understand.
Secondly, know when to leave, your stomach, your heart, and your brain will all inform of you this time. If physical abuse becomes a part; LEAVE. If the verbal abuse is to a point that is damaging; LEAVE. And most importantly, if the person you love will not acknowledge what they are doing, and will not see they have a problem no matter what; LEAVE.
Thirdly, accept their actions are not them, we fell in love with a person we thought we knew, you will know deep down how real that person was. If you know in your heart that the 'monster' is a subconscious manifestation of their problems then this will help. Separating the person you love from the one you hate doesn't excuse them for their behaviour, however it keeps us from taking horrible comments and actions personally; this is the only way you'll keep it together. To love someone with an unstable personality takes strength, if you're weak yourself, you will fall apart. The majority of the time the one we love will not be a stable person if they suffer from problems that cause substance abuse and alcoholism, it's important to keep stability with them even when the 'monster' is out. Do not keep the drama going, keep a foot firmly on the ground, don't threaten to take your love away, but reassure you will always give as much as you can. If you need to leave your partner, do it calmly, explain, but don't walk out in a blaze of anger and tears, leave knowing you've done everything you can, shown all the love you have, but if a person isn't willing then there is no changing this. DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY. You did not fail, this love had never stood a chance whilst the person cannot fight for him/herself.
Fourthly, look to see where the real problem lies. We spend so long crying over our love that we never truly see if part of this problem is within us. Are you a stable person yourself? Are you attracted to relationships you know will not work out? Do you get some form of pleasure from feeling like you've been put upon?
Don't pretend the problem is all theirs if it is not. The issues that cause them to turn to drugs, alcohol and various other debilitating things IS their problem, but if this is what has attracted you to the person, then that is YOUR problem. To help a person, and to cope, you need to love them for who they are; including their monster. You cannot survive by being addicted to the idea of changing or 'saving' them. If this is what drives you to be with the person; LEAVE. For both of your sakes.
It's a hard battle for everyone involved, and sometimes we; those that love the person unconditionally, don't get a choice or a voice in the matter. The person will walk from us, likely not even realising or showing remorse for their actions. If this happens, it is heartbreaking. We can see something we knew could be real and amazing blow away in a wind along with harsh words, and often no goodbyes. Remember; we loved them. The never-ending supply of love and help we were willing to give speaks volumes for our character, and gives us the knowledge of what we're capable of, to know of the pure love we can offer is only a good thing, it doesn't matter how that was returned to us, because one day this ability for everlasting love and care will pay off with a true soul mate. And there's never a certainity it won't be with the person we loved in the first place. As long as you feel hope, keep it close. Maybe it's the consequence of too many Disney films as a child but; trust in your heart, your gut, and your brain. Together the correct decisions and the strength to activate them will certainly help keep you strong when you need to be.
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